My dad’s life’s work is painting. He doesn’t have a job (in the traditional sense), no financial security of any kind, no retirement savings, no health insurance, no home of his own, no back-up plan and very little money. He has resolved to do his life’s work with or without the worlds help. Can you imagine how scary that would be? Living on hope and confidence and having such blind faith that when he decidedly leapt from the tippy top of the average person’s grounded reality that the universe would catch him. AND IT DID – GOD DAMMIT, IT DID! And it continues to. His purpose is to paint, and so he does. No matter what.
I say, What about responsibility!? I say, What about your future!? How in the world can you have so much faith in your destiny that you’re willing to bet your LIFE on it?
I used to think that I was born with too much rationale – but realized later in life that it’s more likely a combination of too much fear and doubt (with possible inertia thrown in) – the 3 little killers that live in my head. The Committee. These guys throw decision making parties where they chat and have all kinds of debilitating conversations about things like the choices I should make, paths I should take and reasons for doing so. I don’t generally sit in with the committee, however. I’m just sort of handed an outline at the end of the day. It’s been only recently that I’ve gotten wise to their trickery and have begun to try to reason with this surly bunch to ultimately drive them from their comfy digs – my psyche.
Dear Committee,
It has come to my attention that you have not been on your best behavior over the past, well, 30 years or so.
I realize this is my fault. I have been much too passive in teaching you how to behave. I should have checked in on you from time to time. I should have been more aware of your actions and paid closer attention to the red flags. Because of my neglect you weren’t able to grow to be well adjusted and respectful members of this society. And for that I am sorry. However, at this time I would like you to know that, regardless of my past actions (and non-actions) I am now in charge of this committee, so from this day forward the list below will be strictly enforced or dire consequences will ensue.
- No throwing stones
- Absolutely NO name calling
- No speaking unless you’re spoken to first – NO SPEAKING
- No answering rhetorical questions
- No giggling without cause
- No laughing hysterically
- No violent behavior (you know what I mean)
- No fighting amongst yourselves OR with anyone else
- No shouting, speaking loudly or speaking softly – NO SPEAKING
- No speaking in foreign languages OR non languages – NO SPEAKING
- No altercations of any kind
- No recommendations from any of you about anything whatsoever
- NO TRYING TO HELP
- No wondering aloud
- If you have a concern you may RAISE YOUR HAND to ask a question
- All interactions with me will be followed by “I love you”
- When the lights are out and I am horizontal it is TIME TO SLEEP (for you, anyway)
- No sudden outbursts (and I mean it!)
- NO ALCOHOL ALLOWED ON COMMITTEE PROPERTY!
I hope that you can respect my wishes and will not cause any further problems.
Thank you, Me.
I don’t know why I have this incapacitating group living within me or how to get rid of them. Medication has, for the past 20 years or so, quieted most of the committee putting them in a deadening sort of half slumber (or drunken stupor – depending on the meds). But, by putting some to sleep others rear their ugly heads – such as passiveness, apathy, indifference, over-tolerance, and an overall contentment which we all know is death to an artist.
I know my father struggles with this too, but he’s able to reason with his committee, despite (or because of) any medication he may or may not take. I guess they say that acknowledgement is the first step towards understanding which is followed by acceptance then leads to recovery – hey wait, isn’t this the “12 step” program?
So back to the point: Seeing what my dad has gone through and continues to go through for his art I think maybe I really don’t want music bad enough, If this is what you have to put yourself through to get it. The thing is, I thought I did. I thought I was leaping when I gigged 5 nights a week, sleeping in hotels in Godforsaken places, playing showcases in hopeful anticipation and talking with record label people about “ambitions”, and ultimately losing my voice. I really thought I was leaping without a net into music. But when does that end? How long can one keep leaping? And how old is too old… am I too old? You don’t have to be good to get gigs. You don’t have to be good to make records. And really, the conclusion I came up with is that I just wasn’t good enough to get to the level of success I wanted. Now that’s a pretty bitter pill to swallow, whether that’s just my committee talking or not.
But if it’s your life’s work won’t you do it until the end of your life, regardless of fame or fortune – regardless of success? I guess the question is what are you really trying to achieve? What is success? Why are you doing this? If success is the outcome of your hard work and perseverance, then success is a reward. So what is the reward, exactly? Is it physical? Financial? Is it a pat on the back or a facebook “like” from a fan? To answer this I will need to do a lot more soul searching.
But I do know that for me to be satisfied with my life, I have to find legitimacy within myself and resolve to express my experience with no reservations –If anyone understands it or likes it really should be of no concern to me. Maybe that is success. Or maybe it’s bullshit. (DAMN COMMITTEE!)
The questions of success and where and how to look for it is such a hot subject peddled by capitalist thieves within every different line of business imaginable. Unfortunately the answers they’re touting really only make themselves successful – on your dime. After all, the popular culture that dictates who “makes it” and who doesn’t is nothing but a machine driven by the culture industry. But the work that gets done by you can only be done by you – and whether people hear it or see it or like it, ultimately, isn’t up to you.
We’re like trees in a forest. We make a noise whether anyone’s there to hear it or not.
