Help from the Magic 8 Ball

29 Jul

Sometimes, writing things down can help break down big scary issues into smaller more manageable problems. Sometimes if you don’t know what to do, you can solve your own problem just by writing about it. So I was looking into the 8 ball of my brain and this is was my first question. What this 8 Ball knows, I think, is worth posting.

Dear All Knowing Magic 8 Ball Brain,
Question: Am I wasting my time with music – OR – is it just a complete lack of confidence?
Maybe I should just stop trying. Maybe I should give up on music and just work my job and forget it. Music so often just brings me heartache and dissatisfaction – even though the writing process brings me a lot of joy sometimes. What should I do???

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Dear Self,
A. NO you are not wasting your time.
Anything anyone does that is creative and fulfilling is not a waste of time. No matter what. What you’re doing is expressing your experience being here on the planet. In a sense, you are showing the universe what it’s like to be you. That is one of the most valuable things you could possibly be doing with your time.
BUT – please remember you are not ‘deserving’ of this time. You do not have the ‘right’ to this time. You are extremely lucky to have any time for this at all – even if it’s not ‘enough’ time. You cannot believe that you deserve more of this time. Every single person on this planet has the right to express, communicate, or articulate their life experience, and so many of these people do not have any time for nurturing this at all. Also remember that providing for your family – including YOURSELF – should always come first. USE YOUR TIME WISELY – DON’T WASTE IT!

B. ‘…Is it a complete lack of confidence?’ This is the wrong question.
Having a lack of confidence means that you don’t believe you are good enough at what you’re doing to be able to sell yourself to others. You do not need confidence to do what you’re doing. You need ACTION. You need to just do it. Stop asking if you’re confident enough, or good enough. Good enough for what? Of course you are deserving of expressing yourself. As I said, EVERYONE on the planet is deserving of that. So stop asking yourself that and just get on with it.

As far as selling yourself – YES, you do lack confidence.
Confidence means believing you have something of value to give. Seriously, you don’t think your expression is of any value? Of course it is! The first step of selling something is knowing that what you’re selling has value. From there it’s just leg work.

PS. There are millions of people who can not and who do not do what you do. And there are millions of people in this world who appreciate the sharing of ones music or poetry on a stage for the world to witness. And, by the way, if there were only 2 people in the universe who appreciate it, that does not really have anything to do with YOU. You do what you do because this is your own personal journey. There will always be people who are more experienced, more rehearsed, more devoted, more confident, more everything than you – there will always be people who are less of all those things as well. But remember: THIS IS NOT A COMPETITION. This is a daily struggle to express yourself and to be so lucky to share that expression, along with everyone else who wishes to do so. You are all comrades with the same goal. What the people of world like and don’t like has nothing to do with you.
If you alone deem it important – it is!

I personally am exhausted with these 2 questions. Jesus – just get on with it.
Next question, please….



Random thoughts on the drive home

29 Jan

It really only exists right now. In the future it doesn’t exist – just like ‘the future’ itself doesn’t exist. But the reality of today is not the same as it was in the past. Like when humans thought the world was flat – that was their reality. The reality of that time. Now with knowledge we know that the world is round. So I guess reality is stitched with knowledge. But what about belief? And religion? Do a person’s beliefs alter their reality? or do their beliefs actually make it their reality? Reality sounds like it should be hard, fast, done-is-done, no-doubt-about-it, no-questions-asked, because it is REALITY – it’s not opinion about what is actually existing. It’s what is real as opposed to what is not real.
Unicorns=not real / Horses=real. Or Moon is made of cheese = not real / Earth is round = real, etc… So then what about religion?

I was thinking about what it means to be a ‘Christian’. It would be someone who believes Jesus was/is our savior and is our Lord. Being a Christian doesn’t mean you are a good person. However, if you are a good person and you happen to be a Christian then you would be considered a ‘good Christian’ (as opposed to a terrible person and Christian, then I think – you are just sent to hell and the devil will take care of you).

I was thinking about how time goes on and we humans go and go and go and the trees, they just calmly stay there and grow without drama, without questions or problems. They’re like patient giants. Then I thought, no, they are forced to stay still. They’re not patient – they’re stuck. (… it really is all about perspective)

I am not a Christian. I don’t believe Jesus was anything more than just a man (From all I’ve heard about him, he was a nice man with tons of friends.) Before everyone starts unfriending me from Facebook, I do believe in being a good person. It’s funny to me though because that second part I just said is not as important as the first part – Being a good person will give you a ‘meh, alright, you’re ok, I’ll be friends with you”, but being a  Christian will give you a ‘HALLELUJAH! YOU ARE LOVED AND SAVED!!’. I think our society get’s confused with the importance of saying you are Christian and the reality of someone being a good person. This subject is SOOO taboo I think mostly because nobody wants to give up Christmas – God knows i like my holidays!


21 Nov

the chain you have fixed so tight
and the boulders placed so heavy on my back
how to break them, dump them to be set free
takes an army but I am only me
with such a force to hold me down
binding all my blood and guts
in the place that’s only felt not seen
but you, you are the giant monster
without a name without a face
with invisible hands that grip and squash
and i am only small and real
made of bones and dreams
how to make this battle fair
take the poison in my veins
and take me to a different state
to be on common ground
where our egos are just the same
i am light and you the dark
so we revel in all the truth
But when the hours pass once more
we’ve forgotten all we learned
the sour taste
of another day with you


5 Nov

Straight into the RGB abyss
I stay fixed on task. unflinching.
Knowing my next move.
Click, click, click. In the zone.
Abruptly, the woman with thinning hair stands up.
My focus is broken. Yes?
And up onto her chair. What!?
Onto her desk. Huh!?
Will she jump to her death 2.5 feet below?
Did she just get some news?
Is she on fire?
As she steadies herself, i realize, it has begun.
The rebellion. The uprising.
These working conditions have kept us down! These beige walls! These white desks! We will not take anymore of this! There are dreams being crushed! There are souls being destroyed and eaten and swallowed and crumpled and broken!
I am an eager participant of this revolution. I ready myself to follow, thinking quickly of the pictures and other personal items on my desk.
Then, as we all witness on the edge of our seats: Up, her arms go over her head; she places one hand on the ceiling panel and the other she uses to remove the plastic shield revealing the dead fluorescent.
We hold our breathes. A weapon?
The man approaches with a ladder and a box. He courteously helps the thinning haired woman down to the floor and they exchange polite smiles.
And the new light is installed.
And so it’s lunch.

The different girl

23 Oct

This one is different
None of its limbs seem broken
No stitches ripped or torn
But yet it leaks
A slow, steady stream that has cut its way
Down, from her eyes into a curious pool
Beneath her dangling feet.

Driving home

22 Oct

I won’t apologize.
Not now
Not while I’m in my car
Strapped tight
Rolled into a neat little dagger
Driving, speeding, knowing this road
The bird knows. She goes home, too
In time
When the trees catch fire
Their gentle fingers slip, falling down so slow
Resting on my breath
When the cold winds push her faster and further
Beyond where she ever KNEW she wanted to go
Down roads she had never imagined
And through a life she was open to but not quite ready for
It’s all been for something
To at least tell the story of me
Of this bird.
How she flew has nothing to do with you
But only the wind.
I’m not sorry now.
Not today
Not while I’m driving home.


22 Oct

The log. It is not just sitting there
Among the leaves and grass
Providing shelter to snakes and spiders from the wind and sun and rain.
It lives in its natural state, the log.
After dying
Or braking off from
The only life it’s ever known
There it remains with new purpose.
A natural purpose.
A meaningful transfer of energy.
Like the caterpillar to the butterfly.
If the reason is not known
It is felt in our hearts as the way
The universe intends.
But me. Us. Sitting here on the carpet laid by men
With florescent sun and electric wind
I’ve grown to know a life as unnatural as this cube I sit in.
Not even a log.
Not even a bump on a log.

%d bloggers like this: